The price is wrong, bitch

Late in Friday evening's game against the Yankees, Kyle Farnsworth starts warming up in the New York bullpen and the Minneapolis crowd was none the wiser.

I nudge the Girl and point down and she asks, half-laughing, half-horrified, "Is that Farnsworth?" Yep, I could barely contain my glee as they called him in to mop up in a game the Yankees were ready to concede.

Fresh off stops in Detroit and Atlanta, the Yankees took a shot and signed him to a three year deal worth between $15 and $17 million. Wow, what a waste of money.

Notorious for his questionable work ethic and erratic performances on the mound, Farnsworth is the epitome of million dollar arm with a ten cent head. Not much has changed as he gave up three hits, two runs and a walk after starting strong in the inning. That was pretty much the tipping point for the Twins, who went on to win the game 5-1.

Here's the interesting part - In his appearance, Farnsworth was changing speeds well, electing to lay off the gas and try some breaking and off-speed stuff before hitting the high 90s on the radar gun. At this point, I swore that the Twins would be in trouble.

Remember that scene in Happy Gilmore where he develops a shot game and he turns around and says, "Uh-oh... Happy learned how to putt..." It was that kind of moment for me.

For years in Chicago, Farnsworth's answer to hitters getting around on his fastball was to reach back and try to throw harder. This never worked for two reasons - a.) The harder he threw, the more difficult it was for him to locate his pitches and he ended up walking guys left and right and b.) In the majors, most hitters can adjust to faster and faster pitches. If it's a matter of timing a quicker fastball, it doesn't take long for them to tee off.

While in college and the minors, there are enough mediocre hitters to pull that with, most major leaguers can adapt quickly enough to fastballs to stay a step ahead.

Seeing radar readings of the mid-80s said that Farnsworth had finally listened to good advice and was learning to dial it back and throw off a hitter's timing. Then he seemed to get fed up with it and went back to his old form. Oh, Kyle, you blockhead!

As Frank the Tank is fond of pointing out, Farnsworth is up there with Corey Patterson and a few other ex-Cubs who could someday figure it out and become great players in the league. Farnsworth is at the top of this list, following the Dennis Eckersley model of delayed success.

Judging by Friday's meltdown, Cubdom has little to worry about this year.

In other cities around the league:

Boston pitcher Josh Beckett needs to calm the fuck down. He seems to have filled Pedro's old slot in the rotation as second ace and resident loon. I'm all about pitchers being excited for the game, but someone will do him bodily harm if he keeps this up.

My suggestion? Decaf on gameday.

St. Louis slugger Albert Pujols is not a man to be trifled with. Three homers Sunday, including a walk-off moon shot shows why the Cardinals shouldn't be counted out this year. While the Cubs and their hobbled pitching staff have cobbled together wins against perennial powerhouses Pittsburgh and Cincinnati, their sweep of St. Louis was very impressive, capped by a major win last weekend on the ESPN Sunday Night game.

However, Pujols was talking about the homer he hit in the NLCS off of Brad Lidge after he saw Houston fans celebrating too early and begged for another shot to get to the plate. It's a pretty rare situation where you have a player who makes an emotional decision to go up and end a game and is able to follow through.

Something tells me he was in the same mindset Sunday afternoon when he went yard three times to nail down the win.

Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen is the feature interview in Playboy this month and is worth it for those who "read the articles." The funny thing is that Ozzie's mouth is dirtier than any picture you'll find in the magazine.

It's hard to be a baseball fan and not appreciate his base philosophies and his heir apparent status as this decade's Billy Martin. While he may be off base on some of his assessments of players and how to deal with people (like calling his best friends child molesters and homosexuals in very public situations) his baseball is pretty spot on for building a winning team.

And finally, a quick word on worthless statistics. The records of Minnesota, the New York Yankees, and St. Louis are not as good or as bad as they indicate right now. Just as the Metrodome scoreboard is full of junk stats right now (after a week, 46 pitchers were tied for the league-lead in wins, winning percentage, etc.) you can't tell much from the first few weeks of the season.

The time to panic is always in late May or early June, with the point of no return being the All-Star Game (just ask the Houston Astros). Cold starts don't mean much for teams or individuals, and while hot starts are always welcome (and Jim Thome is officially hot now) there's not a lot you can expect from only a few weeks as teams work out the kinks.

Baltimore started off really well last year, only to fade just as quickly and it's a very, very long season for everyone, so keep your pants on if you're a fan of any of the above teams.

New York and St. Louis will warm up, the Mets and the Tigers will cool down and the Twins and Rangers will find their feet. As Ice Cube says, and I'm paraphrasing here, "The major league baseball season ain't a track meet, it's a marathon..."

Also, Manny Ramirez should begin putting his back in to it.

(Photo from: moviecitynews.com / newint.org)