Siberian Baseball

Sunday, September 30, 2007

I'm so sorry... I don't think I can make it in today...

The playoff schedules are being rolled out tonight for the National League - American League is already set and can be found here, where the NL should pop up this evening - but despite this wealth of information and on the Internet as a whole, there aren't enough web sites dedicated to slackers.

Yes, despite years of Madden Day promotions, there are big goose eggs on the board when you Google, "24 hour sick, sick for one day" or any combination of those important key words.

Most of us will be expected to "work" in order to collect a paycheck this week, regardless of the teams playing and your deep emotional involvement with them. I say if your place of employment can't provide you a few short hours of uninterrupted quality time with your television and team, it's your right as an American to take that time - by force if necessary. I think Thomas Jefferson said that.

Given the day baseball that will be played this week, I'm considering this a public service and will write off my time and the electricity involved to compose this post on my taxes this year.

Fatigue - This seems like a gimme for a potential truant, but be careful. While weakness and fatigue are full of plenty of nondescript symptoms that wouldn't keep you from returning to work the day after with no noticeable symptoms, be careful it can get a lot more complicated than you would like.

Thyroid problems and a host of other nasty sounding causes for these benign symptoms can have you answering more questions than you would like. Plus, it could lead to you needing to produce a doctor's note. No one wants that.

Sore throat - The old standby of a sore throat seems to be pretty safe, proving that there's a reason every kid trying to duck a math test cops to the sore throat defense.

Bonus points for allowing you to use this as a go-to illness once you've blown out your vocal chords at the bar the night before from a deadly combination of rot-gut whiskey and karaoke.

Stomach flu / Food poisoning - The twin threat of a 24-hour flu (perfect timeline!) or it's partner in crime food poisoning are God's gift to slacking fans. Hard to refute and leaving themselves open to plenty of disgusting details if your boss gets a little too nosy, the only problem with these illnesses are the fact that they're almost too perfect.

Still the threat of forcing a gassy, potentially explosive employee in to work is enough of a deterrent for all but the most hard core bosses.

Like this guy on the left.

Migrane - Migranes aren't just for your wife or girlfriend anymore. While it may seem like an illness that most men wouldn't think of off the bat, that is the secret to its strength.

Feel free to lay it on a bit thick and convince your boss that it's stress-related from your Herculean workload. It's like a license to print money.

Make sure they see you rubbing your temples the day before and it couldn't hurt to stop in the middle of the cube farm while crossing your eyes.

Rotavirus - I learned about this one from a friend whose kid took out a whole house of adults with a few dirty diapers. Drop a few hints about your friend / neighbor who has a newborn on Monday and reap the rewards mid-week. Make sure you don't talk about a direct family member if there isn't a baby in the family within 50 miles - you might need to falsify pictures and birth certificates to cover your tracks.

I'm pretty sure one of those is a felony.

Common cold - It's a little early in the season for this one, but there's something to be said for being the first one to the party, right?

Just keep track for when you need a day in December to go skiing.

According to "On average, adults get two to four colds per year. Children tend to rack up between six and 10. In the U.S., common cold symptoms result in more doctor visits than any other health condition."

Budget them wisely.

Of course, these are just scratching the surface of the possibilities - it is allergy season, after all. Feel free to get creative and drop a little knowledge in the comments section.

We can't all have food poisoning on the same day in Philly, Chicago and New York. That would be suspicious, right?

(Images from: /



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