Siberian Baseball

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Sweet Jesus, get her out of there

Ever been to a ballgame?

Kellie Pickler hasn't.

Ever been to a ballgame with a friend who's trying to sleep with a girl who will never shut up and has no idea what's going on / Ever seen a game from the Wrigley Field bleachers?

Then you know the hell all Cubs fans are suffering through right this very minute.

You see, it's country music night at the ballpark and the way it works, whoever sings the Take Me Out to the Ballgame gets the bottom of the inning to chat with Bob Brenley and Len Kasper. Larry the Cable Guy was last night's guest and it wasn't even Country Night.

There is no way she is this dumb, Southern or oblivious to the world around her. She seemed genuinely shocked at the number of people at a professional sporting event. For all intents and purposes, they might as well have put a hyperactive child with ADD in the booth and had him freebase sugarcane.

Compounding the problem are the announcers, pandering to her. If they're just egging her on because they can't believe how dumb she sounds, I owe them more credit. More likely, though, is that Kasper is sleeping on the couch tonight for his, "I'll teach you baseball, Sweetheart" routine.

Among the gems tonight:

"They should have a baseball team called The Pickles."

"They call that the outfield, right? Sometimes I get that mixed up with racing. 'Cause you know, because we have an infield in racin' but you don't go camp out on the baseball field."

When it was pointed out she had red high heels on, "It's great, because they match the jersey!"

"This is good popcorn!"

In all fairness, most of the guests who sing wouldn't bat an eye at an unassisted triple play and would keep plugging their movie/record/new fragrance as the broadcast crew sputtered with delight, but this was over the line.

I think there should be a simple rule, where if you screw up the song, you get no face time in the booth (unless you're Ditka, because he's just a riot).

"I almost said Apple Jacks instead of Cracker Jacks," said Pickler. (She did biff the peanuts and Cracker Jacks line, asking for popcorn, instead). She capped her half inning with, "They don't sell milk at ballgames do they? Wouldn't go good with the beer, would it?"

No, sweetie, it wouldn't. Now take you popcorn and beat it. It's enough to make you nostalgic for Larry the Cable Guy.

(Image from

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